Articles

Slang, Freud and Buddhist Psychology

Sat, 5 Nov 2011 13:30:38 -0600

Slang, Freud and Buddhist Psychology:
Clarifying the Term “Ego” in Popular, Psychodynamic and Spiritual Contexts

Deborah Bowman, Ph.D.
Professor of Transpersonal Counseling Psychology
Naropa University
Boulder, Colorado, USA

The Latin term ego was first used in a translation of Freud’s work to refer to his idea of the “I” or the reality principle within the dynamic forces of the psyche. He suggests the functions of the “I” include reasoning, a sense of self-capacity and the mediator between the polarized demands of instinctual drives and societal expectations. While he considered the “I” a mechanism of the self, he did not use the term ego. Nevertheless the word ego entered the mainstream in professional conversations of the analytic understanding of the human being as it began with Freud’s thought.

As psychology became popularized the word ego entered the common vernacular to describe attitudes and behaviors considered selfish or inflated. The slang use of ego is generally a derogatory term for behaviors considered out of the range of social acceptance. Slang borrows from the inflated side of the psychodynamic description of the unhealthy manifestations of ego yet lacks a deeper understanding of its causes.

In the 1970’s Chogyam Trungpa Rinpoche, a Tibetan lama, began utilizing the term ego to describe a neurotic process based on the ignorance of our actual situation (Trungpa, 1978) resulting in a solidified sense of self that is separate and self-referential and as such is the cause of suffering. He saw the projections of the ego as an incorrect understanding of the interdependent nature of reality and the primary obstruction to clear seeing and compassion. He borrowed aspects of the term from both psychology and modern vernacular usage.

Buddhists around the world have embraced this usage of the term ego and use it regularly to describe the common illusion of a static separate self that emphasizes it’s self-importance in relation to the world. This Buddhist definition can now be understood as a unique understanding of the word ego as well. The field of transpersonal psychology has borrowed from the Buddhist usage of the term ego in the psychological and spiritual mapping of human development.

The confusion that has arisen from the different usages of the term ego is significant to those in the field of psychology as well as Buddhist practitioners who have an incomplete understanding of the word in its several contexts. The general public would also benefit from a further understanding of the factors relating to the formation of an aggrandized sense of self to which the slang usage of ego refers.

For a rudimentary understanding of the psychodynamic view of ego we must understand how it is one aspect of a trio of the major forces Freud delineated within the human psyche. Representing a self-part mostly but not entirely within conscious access, the egos job is to meet primary human needs by mediating between the forces of the id, or instinctual drives, and the superego, or the introjected societal injunctions coming from outside the person.

The ego is characterized by numerous functions including consciousness of self and the environment, knowledge of self-capacities and limitations, management of emotions, reasoning and logical thinking, continuity of self through space and time, social skills and character formation.

As the term ego came into popular usage a common word associated with its slang usage is narcissism, also borrowed from the psychological literature. A word made common in the literature by Freud, narcissism describes a spectrum of self-regard from healthy esteem to an overly aggrandized and entitled sense of self. The slang usage connotes only the unhealthy end of the spectrum of narcissism perceived as self-absorption and a “me” orientation that disregards or uses others. In clinical psychology the Narcissistic Personality Disorder (American Psychiatric Association, 1994) also refers to problems at the negative end of the spectrum of Freud’s original psychological definition.

Problems to healthy ego development include a distorted sense of one’s capacities that are either inflated or deflated. Not understood in the popular discourse is the deflated version of narcissism, a self-orientation characterized by an exaggerated perception of one’s smallness, victimization and incapacity to defend against the world. In this case individuals would consider themselves the “worst” rather than the “best” and use the qualifier as an attempt to garner negative or care-taking attention.

The Buddhist concept of ego acknowledges the problems of distortion at both ends of the spectrum of unhealthy development yet sees these misperceptions inherent in the mistaken view of a permanent and separate self. While acknowledging the importance of confidence in one’s Buddha Nature, or capacity for compassion and wisdom, the Buddhist view is particularly wary of any conceptualization of a definitive self. Freedom from suffering, or health in the Buddhist sense, is derived from the deconstruction of the illusions of the ego as an autonomous and singular self in the world.

This paper explores and compares the usage of the term ego in these three contexts across eight factors including identity, intra-psychic awareness, control, reality, relationship, empathy, needs and fear. Healthy and unhealthy aspects of ego in the psychological and developmental sense are explored in relation to the Buddhist view of non-self and the problems associated to ego. Contrast to the slang usage of the term ego is provided to clarify any vernacular misunderstandings. Refer to the chart at the end of the article for an overview of ego in context of it use in slang, psychodynamic psychology and Buddhism.

Identity

“He’s so egotistical.” “She’s an egomaniac.” “He’s such a narcissist.” “She’s so inflated.” Psychological language has saturated the airwaves of our everyday conversation. We label and “diagnose” others and ourselves with the slang version of these terms. The diagnosis comes across as a judgment and hardens into an identity. It is how we identify someone else or a part of ourselves we don’t like. We believe the other thinks of him or herself as superlative and according to this slang system so does he or she. The attitude is self-aggrandizing and inflates self-regarded traits as positive while downplaying or denying negative traits.

The Buddhist use of the term ego describes an identity that is false yet deeply engrained and believed habitual tendencies. While the qualities of inflation are not excluded in its definition, Buddhism describes an overarching error in ego’s understanding of reality. The error is an ignorance of our impermanence and interdependence. Inflation or deflation is a further spin on the misunderstanding of ego as an existent entity.

The belief in an existent self lends itself to the problems of self-importance and self-derision. If we believe in an objectified existence than we are at once vulnerable to an objectified evaluation of that existence. The fluid unbounded quality of interdependence is lost and our perceptual distortions are magnified when we falsely separate self and other. A separate identity creates comparison and ranking as well as estrangement and a utilitarian view of personhood.

The continuity of self critical to a psychologically healthy ego structure is understood from the Buddhist view as a relative function helpful in navigating a relative world. In the absolute sense the self is not permanent or real. In a relative sense self is a mistaken view that increases suffering by fixing the individual in a static state. The “I” of yesterday and tomorrow is a fiction. The “I” of today is a fleeting idea falsely extracted from a continuum of awareness.

The seeming development of character or fixed traits, considered healthy in ego development is considered an obstruction to liberation in Buddhism. If we conceive of our character as strong, an experience of weakness can be debilitating. If we conceive of ourselves as humble, we remain unaware of an arrogant pride behind the self-conception. Healthy self-regard in either system is based in a person’s actuality. A relative understanding of one’s strengths and limitations in the Buddhist view is held lightly and subject to continual investigation that sees through any permanent view.

Intra-psychic Awareness

Psychologically healthy adults are able to utilize the ego function to moderate between physiological drives and introjected societal injunctions. Healthy individuals are aware of thoughts and can modulate the inner voices representing different aspects of themselves. Clinical interventions in psychotherapy enhance personal awareness of thoughts and emotions and often prescribe ways to modify the inner dialogue to increase well-being. Somatic oriented therapies bring awareness to body sensations to help individuals map the source of emotions and the effects of thought on bodily experience.

The ego of the psychologically unhealthy individual is likely to have poor or rigid impulse or superego control. Operating out of unconscious drives this person cannot find satisfaction in life without extreme manipulation. A person with this wound to their ego development may reactively rage with no clue regarding the source of their behavior. Another person with overly rigid boundaries might compulsively control all expression of emotion with no understanding of their flattened affect. Labeled “clueless” in the popular vernacular, blame for lack of control or overcontrol is often projected onto others.

Buddhists have no quarrel with the utility of a function increasing the capacities of the intra-psychic sphere. It is suspicious of relying on a function that defines itself as “I” and generally understands the “I” to have a vested interest in maintaining itself. The “I” conspires to maintain the delusions of its unexamined beliefs and projects these onto the world.

The practice of mindfulness is designed to increase awareness of mental activity and bodily actions without an “I”. Calm-abiding meditation creates a spacious platform within the psyche to better observe the mechanisms of the mind from a state of equanimity. Impartial seeing made available in a state of calm is void of the “I” and brings rest to frantic self-deceptive and defensive activities of the psyche.

The ego self-part of the psychological literature overlaps but is not necessarily similar to the Buddhist definition of ego as an “I” identified self-part. Psychological ego may operate out of a vested interest or not. When it operates as an “I” to maintain itself it is the ego that Buddhists seek to dissolve through impartial examination.

Control

The slang terms referring to the “bully”, the “princess”, and the “control freak” are obvious examples of individuals exhibiting controlling behavior out of a need to protect their self-interest. These stereotypes are driven by an inflated sense of their capacity to manipulate events or others in their favor. They would be considered to have a “big ego” or be “ego driven” in the popular vernacular and limited in their range of development in the eyes of psychology.

The psychological perspective of the problems of control includes behaviors that are not so obvious. The response to life with a weak ego structure is made narrow by attempts to limit the impact of anything from outside the self. The controlling behavior appears less obvious and may include isolation, rigidity, conformity or codependence.

A dichotomized self also limits inner choice where the ego function is unable to effectively mediate between the exaggerated forces of the superego and id. Dictates or drives may dominate, oscillate in their domination or incapacitate the individual in a stalemate where he or she may feel stuck or tied up in knots.

A healthy ego in the psychological sense has the capacity to regulate a range of needs that are both social and driven by basic survival and physiological functions. Will power or control as a function of ego includes the capacity to forgo immediate pleasure for long-term goals. Will is the energy the ego needs to be able to effect change in the world. A healthy sense of will operates internally and self-regulation is optimized by a realistic sense of one’s strengths and limitations.

The problem of control in Buddhist thinking stems from the false security created by an ego or “I” that believes it is in power. Control is an attempt to abate the basic underlying fears of safety, aloneness and unworthiness (Gyaltsen, 2009). Buddhist practice seeks to enhance capacity for intention, focus, concentration, reasoning and choice yet the training of the mind cultivates an approach to life based on letting go of control. On an outer level control implies clinging to a particular outcome and is an intrusive attempt to manipulate results. On the inner level control is marked by confusion and division within the heart. Compassionate mind training dissolves warring self-parts seeking command through the violence of self-control.

Confidence in the path to liberation is not attached to the look and feel of freedom. Often seekers are quite surprised by the ordinariness of living openly and without habituated patterns of control.

Relationship

Understanding the needs of self and other the psychologically healthy person cultivates a sense of give and take in relationship. Social adaptation is an essential skill for meeting basic human needs. The infant needs consistent human warmth and contact to survive. Mirroring, the reflection back to the child by a caregiver of the child’s emotional state, provides affirmation of the child’s experience.

Children naturally reciprocate mirroring early in their development and in nurturing relationships experience a deepening of connection and mutual exchange with others. Later development includes learning to respect the boundaries and differing needs of self and other.

When there are traumatic interruptions or aberrations in bonding the self-other boundary is confused and relationship skills are blunted. A child cannot properly “hatch” (Mahler, 1973) and experiences insecurity in both autonomous and intimate functions. Closeness and aloneness are both experienced as threatening to the weak ego structure. Carrying over into adulthood others are experienced as an extension of the self, used to shore up a sense of inadequacy or seen as unavailable or rejecting.

The nomenclature of slang labels a category of behaviors indicative of this narcissistic wound as selfish or self-centered. The individual who has not been adequately mirrored (Miller, 1981) continues to seek the missing element of their childhood by constantly seeking attention and goods from others. Development is arrested at a stage where it was necessary that others served their needs before the child learned to reciprocate. Other manifestations of this wound to the ego are not described in the popularized use of the term narcissism. They include but are not limited to the mental health problems of social isolation, low self-esteem, addiction and depression.

The Buddhist concept of interdependence informs our understanding of relationship and the natural reciprocity inherent in all of life. While a psychodynamic perspective understands the autonomous development of the individual as a necessity, Buddhism points to the danger of the extremes of self-sufficiency creating a false sense of “I.” This “I” or ego manipulates and misperceives self and other.

Suffering in relationships stem from the extremes of independence and dependence. One is marked by the painful experience of isolation and the other is an immature fusion where our demands on others do not reflect our chronological age. Learning to walk the interdependent path begins with the practice of attending to the present moment, seeing through the impermanence of past wounds and trusting the guidance of our teachers to mirror our yearning for compassion and liberation from suffering.

The Bodhisattva Vow, to liberate others before oneself counters the tendency of the individual to attend to oneself and not the other. From the Buddhist point of view we are all narcissistically wounded in clinging to the “I” and it’s delusional views and habits. This parallels the psychodynamic view of neurosis as a matter of degree (deSilva, 2010). Waking up requires the development of clear seeing and the reversal of painful self-centric patterns in relationship.

Empathy

Empathy is a powerful relationship skill that develops out of the mirroring process. When a parent makes a sad face to mirror her child’s unhappiness not only does the child receive understanding, the parent feels the sadness in his or her own face and has a direct somatic experience approximating the child’s state. The capacity for empathy in the adult is enhanced and conveyed at a level the child can understand. The parent feels with the child and not just for the child. Putting oneself in another’s shoes helps to develop emotional intelligence.

The psychologically wounded individual may be unable to enter the experience of another or may have difficulty differentiating himself or herself from the other person if they do. The experience of loneliness or emotional entanglement can be heightened to intolerable levels.

Lack of empathy commonly manifests in incorrect assumptions about others and the projection of disowned qualities onto the unknown other. Without a feeling sense of the other, the ensuing experience of distance often leads to overly negative assumptions or projections. The emotionally immature parent may believe his or her colicky infant is rejecting the parent. The parent in turn rejects the child for “crying too much.” If projection is active in the parent who has denied his or her own tears due to trauma or introjected beliefs he or she may label the child “bad” for crying. The parents dissociated sadness or grief is projected onto the child and becomes the unconscious reason for pushing the child away.

The emotionally confluent individual who is fused with others suffers confusion between the emotions of self and other (Perls, 1973). The parent with this particular form of weak ego structure may assume the child’s state is a mirror of his or her own emotion. If the child is angry, the parent is angry. If the child is impatient, the parent is impatient. Likewise the child may be expected to have the same feelings of the parent and when he or she does not, the child is rejected. Parents may also assume the child is just like them and fail to see the child’s uniqueness.

Compassion is Buddhism is related to empathy as it is based in entering the experience of the other. The Latin root of the word refers to having deep feelings (passion) with (com) another. Compassion implies a further response of an action to bring relief to the passion (suffering) of the other. In this case passion is understood as the impossible desire to escape “what is.”

A compassionate response can pierce the ego-encasement that an individual has built to protect him or herself from pain. Compassion acknowledges and accepts loss and other feelings imagined as too big to bear. Compassion understands the ultimate boundarylessness of experience and the natural exchange continuously occurring between all beings.

In the Buddhist view any wall created to protect the self from others is the creation of ego or a false sense of self. At the same time Buddhism does not deny the uniqueness or the different experiences of each human being. The task to hold both relative and absolute understanding of self and no-self is embraced on the path of liberation.

Needs

Needs are understood as normative in the psychologically healthy individual. Marshall Rosenberg lists basic categories of needs including physiologic, interdependence, choice integrity, contribution, spirituality and celebration (Rosenberg, 2008). The psychologically healthy person can satisfactorily meet needs and with increasing maturation tolerates frustration and delayed gratification.

Disruptions to healthy ego development create exaggerated responses to needs. The narcissistic personality attempts to gratify needs in ways that distorts self-perception and will eventually hurt relationships. The gratified narcissist is successful in procuring an excess of emotional or physical “goods”. The ungratified narcissist is unsuccessful in meeting needs and remains focused on a dissatisfied state often at the cost of learning the skills to procure life’s necessities. Both the gratified and ungratified person is considered fixated in an unhealthy manner on the objects of their desire. Extreme states of fixation have obsessive or compulsive qualities.

Slang terms referring to the individual who appears to be overly gratified include “greedy”, “stingy”, “self-satisfied”, “gluttonous” or “entitled”. These individuals are considered to be oriented to their own needs at the expense of others. The ungratified person may be considered a “suck”, “desperate” or a “loser”.

Buddhists can understand the universality of needs by reflecting on those that are provided by the three jewels of the Buddha, Dharma and Sangha. Within Sangha we find our needs met for acceptance, contribution, support, warmth and honesty. The Dharma meets our need for truth and clarity. The jewel of the Buddha fulfills our need for guidance and inspiration (Bowman, 2009).

The Buddhist view also focuses on the problem of desire driving a constant craving for external objects and experience. The focus on personal needs reifies the “I” and reflects an ego driven state of continual discontent. The cessation of desire is primary to the path of liberation from suffering. Any clinging to self or other fosters dissatisfaction with life and an inability to accept the impermanent nature of all things. The acceptance of interdependence appreciates the play of exchange without clinging to needs, strategies to meet needs or an expected outcome.

Fear

The healthy person learns to manage fear and difficult emotions in daily life situations. To varying degrees of success psychotherapy addresses individuals who have been exposed to traumatic events that cause disregulation in the fear response. While the healthy person can tolerate ambiguity, repeated or high levels of traumatic experience can impair ego functioning that moderates eternal stimuli and internal thoughts and imagery. Individuals who suffer from Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome (American Psychiatric Association, 1994) are easily triggered by situations that may appear innocuous yet are associated to earlier harmful or violent events.

The child who is subject to isolation, enmeshed boundaries and less traumatic levels of abuse also experiences higher levels of anxiety than normal when performing developmental tasks requiring increasing social or autonomous skills. An overly defended ego stance can result in the formation of an adult persona that presents as fearless and brash. This personality will likely respond with aggression when threatened.

The person with an ego that is overly porous may present as engulfed in fear at the slightest threat. This person responds with a range of reactive behaviors including hostility, submission or retreat from life. The retreating individual may hide in compulsive activities or significantly limit contact with others or challenging events. Some individuals retreat into a superior attitude that in effect limits contact with others.

Slang addresses a narrow range of dysfunction related to fear. The fearless “as if” personality is labeled “cocky”, “brazen” and “swaggering.” The individual is referred to as “puffed up”, a Donald Trump type. At the other end of the spectrum the person presenting as intellectually or culturally superior is considered “aloof”, “condescending”, a “know-it-all” or “conceited.” Slang fails to acknowledge the wound behind these behaviors.

Buddhism sees the construction of an “I” as the basis of a fear driven response to the impermanent and unpredictable nature of life. The “I” or ego gives the illusion of stability and becomes something to protect and defend. While not always within the diagnostic range of clinical psychology this “I” limits the individual’s capacity to respond to the fullness of life or experience the freedom that is possible. Liberation from suffering is liberation from fear.

Existential anxiety is considered normative in the psychological view yet the path of healing described in Buddhism seeks to undercut the root of all anxiety. Ponlop describes existential fear as the subliminal panic that is all-pervasive in every living heart (Ponlop, 2007). The universal mistake of clinging to an “I” is addressed in learning to attend with relaxation to moment-to-moment experience and the investigation of the truth of that experience. Calm-abiding developed in meditation is the basis for the discovery of an unbounded reality free of the shackles of ego-clinging and the fear states ego induces.

Freedom from fear is also the freedom to work with fear as it arises and passes in awareness. True liberation embraces the paradox of our relative and absolute knowing of any experience. We understand fears inherent nonexistence when we are able to extinguish our attachment to its appearance. As we follow its arising and falling we learn to see through our mistaken beliefs in its solidity. We do not have power over fear nor does it have power over us. Paradoxically complete acceptance of fear creates the spaciousness in our lives that offers complete peace as well.

Reality

Reasoning and conceptual thinking are considered cornerstones of the psychologically healthy ego structure. In order to function in society a person must understand and work with the consensual reality of their culture including an orientation to time and space.

Cognitive therapies emphasize working with thought processes to assist individuals in managing emotions and reducing distorted thinking that contributes to depression and other psychological problems. The healthy individual has developed an internalized conceptual structure that is able to prioritize and make value decisions grounded in reality.

A workable orientation to consensual reality includes the understanding and acceptance of basic social codes that make civil discourse and interpersonal relationships possible. The health of a society is affected by the degree of human considerations in those social standards and the role they play in the development of the superego in its individual members. Overly rigid family and societal standards make for a harsh inner critic with low tolerance for differentiation from a narrow range of acceptable behavior. A rebellious attitude is the converse side to the critical inner voice and may or may not be acted out. Confused or lax standards contribute to an ego structure that is unable to manage the conflicting demands of instinctual drives and internalized societal messages.

Slang refers to the individual with a grandiose perception of their place in the world as “arrogant” or “God’s gift to the world.” “She thinks she is the center of the universe” or “he acts like the world rotates around him” would be phrases used to refer to someone who misperceives their importance in relation to others and bends consensual reality in their favor.

The individual who acts as if they can defy physics or the basic rules of traffic is called “deluded” and “grandiose”. The “egomaniac” is considered out of control and others might say, “He believes he is immortal” or “she thinks she can defy death.” All of these slang terms refer to a lack of a reality orientation combined with an inflated ego. The individual with an extremely weak ego structure and severe delusions may be called “psycho” or “crazy.” Even the person who has difficulty organizing life’s details or thinking logically through problems is considered a “mess” or “haywire.”

Buddhists understand the underlying tenants of consensual reality as deluded. Society fosters the mistaken belief in an existent self and other. This belief induces a sense of self-importance or that “the world is my oyster.” Reality in the Buddhist view is empty of anything considered singular, independent or permanent, concepts that contribute to the misperception of one’s immortality or fear and denial of death.

The non-dualist view of reality cuts through the delusion of a separate self reified by the social constructs inherent in language. Conceptual thinking obscures an accurate perception of reality by dividing it into pieces that can then be arranged to fit an agreed upon consensual reality or create an even more deluded one. While logic is not abandoned in Buddhist thinking and actually encouraged in the practice of investigating reality, it is used to point to an understanding that is free or empty of concepts. This nondual view is considered the basis of liberation from the suffering created by ego’s attachment to a false reality centered in “I.”

Conclusion

Psychology’s limited understanding of human development as culminating in healthy ego functioning reinforces the mistaken belief in the “I” as substantial and driven by psychosocial needs and desires. The view of psychology colludes with culture in reifying the permanence of what is impermanent, the ever-shifting self-image that solidifies when we generalize our experience into categories such as “good” and “bad” or “you” and “me”. While psychology has much to offer individuals who suffer from serious problems related to interruptions in the developmental cycle, it does not the address the suffering that ego-identity and ego-clinging creates for all of humankind.

It is helpful to address wounds to the healthy development of the psychologically defined ego before or while engaging in meditation practices to see through the illusions of the “I” in the Buddhist sense. The adage that “You have to be somebody before you can be nobody” (Engler, 1986) is relevant here. The relative sense of an identity and constancy in relationship are necessary starting points for the disciplines of concentration and investigation that are utilized to uncover the insubstantiality of self and the objects of the world.

The person with an ego that is not adequately differentiated from the other does not have the ability to witness its internalized other. Self-reflection is a danger zone for individuals with a stunted capacity to manage harsh introjected superego voices or impulses of the primitive drives of the id. The capacity to maintain a neutral awareness and not be caught or flooded by the contents of awareness is marginalized by varying degrees. In this respect the development of the inner witness is understood as an ego function that is a precondition to the collapse of the self-other divide representing a deeper state of knowing in Buddhism.

When the understanding of self in the world is too strong or not strong enough these distorted perceptions increase clinging to the objects of the world to either enhance inflation or shore up a deflated sense of self. This attachment decreases one’s capacity to delay gratification and increases misperceptions that unchecked desire drives. When the ego function of self-constancy is low insecurity makes meditation difficult to impossible to practice. When the correlating ego function of other-constancy is wounded it is difficult to hold any object in awareness without unmanageable levels of fear interrupting the process.

The problem of ego bashing in popular discourse becomes a super-ego function void of compassion or deeper understanding of the wound beneath the self-centric pattern. While the use of derogatory labels may function as norm setting for a culture, they provide no assistance to the individual to correct the dysfunction. Labels given to others or to oneself typically create further division in relationships or increase self-hatred.

In Buddhist circles ego bashing may have a similar yet subtler superego function. On one level when we disregard the developmental necessity of certain psychodynamic ego functions we fail to acknowledge their importance on the path to liberation. This failure can impede progress when serious wounds to the development of a sense of self make it difficult to release that self. The insecure self, whether puffed up or dejected, adheres to anything in fear of annihilation. Without addressing the relative value of the self-functions, void of extraneous and distorted ideas about that self, one cannot progress along the path.

When Buddhists say ego is the problem it is important to notice that there may be a subtle quality of the superego talking down to the ego. When we name our ego as getting in the way of freedom we may be creating a label of distain that becomes solidified in our minds. My “I” becomes bad, not something to look at with impartiality. Any prior injury to a realistic view of our capacities and limitations is a precondition for further ego bashing even when it is dressed up in Buddhist terminology.

Modern psychology has much to gain from Buddhism in the investigation of the self, its utility and problems. Trungpa states that:

When we talk about egolessness, that does not mean simply the absence of ego itself. It means the absence of the projections of the ego. Egolessness comes more or less as a by-product of seeing the transitory, transparent nature of the world outside. Once we have dealt with the projections of ego and seen their transitory and transparent nature, then the ego has no reference point, nothing to relate to. So the notions of inside and outside are interdependent—ego began and its projections began. Ego managed to maintain its identity by means of its projections. When we are able to see projections as nonsubstantial, ego becomes transparent correspondingly (Trungpa, 1978).

Looking through the transparency of ego there is nothing to impede clear seeing and the compassion derived from this enlightened vision. The work of withdrawing our habitual tendencies and projections is the path to the cessation of suffering. While clinical psychology addresses many debilitating and erroneous patterns of projection, the methods of Buddhism address the root of projection itself.

Viewing ego in the context of no referential point we begin to comprehend its relative significance to the development of an ultimate understanding of reality. Eighth century Zen poet Sandokai says, “Ordinary life fits the Absolute as a box and its lid” (Suzuki, 2001). Our ordinary understanding of “I” and “other” is the ground of our freedom and our ignorance. Psychology helps us cut through the gross layers of our delusions; Buddhism offers us a clear path to extinguish suffering and experience the liberation that is our birthright.

References

American Psychiatric Association. Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fourth Edition. Washington, DC, American Psychiatric Association, 1994.

Bowman, Deborah. Buddhism and Nonviolent Communication: An Effective Practice for Peace. Buddhist Approach to Political Conflict and Peace Development. Thailand: The International Buddhist Conference on United Nations Day of Vesak Celebrations, 2009.

deSilva, Padmasira. Buddhist and Freudian Psychology. Victoria, Australia: Shogam, 2010.

Engler, Jack. Transformations of Consciousness: Conventional and Contemplative Perspectives on Development. Boston: New Science Library, Shambhala. 1986.

Gyaltsen, Tenpa. Lecture. Nalandabodhi Dzogchen Cottage, Boulder, CO. December 5, 2009.

Mahler, S. and Pine, M.M. and F., Bergman, A. The Psychological Birth of the Human Infant, New York: Basic Books, 1973.

Miller, Alice. The Drama of the Gifted Child: The Search for the True Self. USA: Basic Books, 1981.

Perls, Fritz. (1973). The Gestalt Approach and Eye Witness to Therapy. CA: Science and Behavior Books, Inc.

Ponlop, Dzogchen. The Life of the Buddha and the Spiritual Journey: Introduction to Buddhism 100 (Nalandabodhi Study Curriculum). Seattle: Nalandabodhi, 2007.

Rosenberg, Marshall. Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life. CA: PuddleDancer Press, 2003.

Shunryu Suzuki. Streams Flow in the Darkness: Zen Talks on the Sandokai. CA: University of California Press, 2001.

Trungpa, Chogyam. Glimpses of Abhidharma. Boulder, CO: Prajna Press, 1978.

Dispelling the Enemy Image with Clear and Compassionate Speech

Sun, 21 Mar 2010 14:17:28 -0600

“The genuine warrior becomes truly gentle because there is no enemy at all.”
Chogyam Trungpa Rinpoche

Introduction
Mindful attention to speech is fundamental to human relationship, personal well-being and Buddhist practice. This paper explores how particular usage of imagery in language shapes our thinking and emotional reactivity as well as our interpersonal relationships. The subtle psychological and physiological effects of the “enemy image” created through word and phrase construction is explored in relation to the experience of fear in the body. This study investigates how many common language “pictures” create an inaccurate conceptual frame for perceived phenomena and compound difficulty in communication when states of fear underlie these distorted expressions of speech. To understand the extent to which fear both drives and is an outcome of these generalized expressions of speech, this paper investigates the role fear plays in painful emotional states. Based on the teachings of Dzogchen Ponlop Rinpoche this paper examines how fear is equated with suffering. Suggestions for moving towards greater clarity in language is offered from the growing field of Nonviolent Communications as it intersects Buddhist understanding of the human experience and the cessation of suffering. The examples offered include applications for increasing self-compassion and creating more clear and compassionate understanding between individuals and groups.

The Enemy Image
Nonviolent Communication defines the enemy image as words that inaccurately reflect, negatively label, and separate us from each other and ourselves (Rosenberg, 2005). It suggests that much habitual language and word usage is characterized by images of violence and victimization. I would like to suggest that states of fear are the driver of these word formations and also an outcome of their usage. It is important to recognize that these destructive language patterns are culturally embedded and cross-culturally ubiquitous. We are universally saturated with negative speech forms and objectifying labels that drive us further from present experience and recognition of our mutually beneficial interdependence. While language will never convey direct experience it can be utilized with increased intention, specificity and compassion to create positive exchange between human beings.
Let’s look at an example of a common usage of an enemy image in modern speech. A negotiation is taking place between two parties and one member, Tom, frowns visibly, quickly folds his arms across his chest, pulls his body back and emphatically states, “You have pushed me too far!” While the other person was not directly labeled as “pushy” the picture imagined by this statement is of a physical gesture of pushing in a way that is “too far”. The individual who has made this statement has imagined himself in a victim “picture” of receiving a push. The accompanying body gestures suggest a defensive posture of moving away, protecting the body with crossed arms and slightly raising the volume of speech. Accompanying the outer gestures would likely be signs of readying for action including a slight rise in pulse, blood pressure and muscle flexion following an increase in hormonal secretions (Ledoux, 1996).
The receiving individual, Sue, is likely to unconsciously respond to the picture image that has been projected and reciprocally respond in a defensive posture as well. The picture image of “pushing” may land as an accusation, suggesting she is aggressing against the first individual and is the “enemy”. A habitual reaction to counter the statement by the second person may include an argument and further escalation of conflict signaled by defensive postural gestures. To further dissect the above example we can observe fear at the root of the original word image in demonstrated signs in Tom of flight (moving back), freeze (crossing the arms across the chest) and fight (increased voice volume) responses.
The word image of “pushing” in this example has the effect of solidifying and sustaining fear states over time. Tom pictures himself as a victim of aggression and aggresses back through language with a projected image of Sue as an enemy. Sue may unconsciously succumb to projective identification and struggle internally and externally with the implication of her action as “pushing too far.” Sue has identified with the projection by joining in the experience of the word image that suggests her action is harming the other person. A two-fold fear and reactive response may ensue as she internally fights the image of herself doing “wrong” and externally resists Tom, who has now become an “enemy” as she imagines herself the victim in his word picture. Now she too experiences a heightened physiological response common to states of fear and may likely respond with a word picture such as “You are not listening to me!” suggesting she is the victim and he is in the wrong.
The first thing we notice in this exchange is how both comments are directed at summing up the actions of the other person and offer no revelation regarding the speaker’s internal awareness or positive needs in the situation. In fact, these all-too-common language exchanges reinforce a pattern of not reflecting on one’s own actions and the false imagining of the other’s action. Instead of inquiry about self or other, each makes assumptions and escalates the conflict with inaccurate and exaggerated word pictures. While tone and vocal inflection have an obvious effect on levels of physical and emotional arousal, it is also necessary to look at the pictures that are aroused in the mind’s eye. Each word picture refers to a physical action or non-action, suggestive of something each person does not want and fears. Neither statement made by Tom or Sue accurately reflects what actually did happen, or what behavior either person would have preferred from their talking partner. Neither individual paused to relax in the moment and examine his or her immediate sensations and perceptions. If both individuals were to continue verbal exchanges in the same manner, no doubt increasing levels of fear induced arousal could be physically measured (LeDoux, 1996). Their suffering would be reflected in heightened fight, freeze or flight behaviors exhibited in verbal and non-verbal gestures.

Suffering is Fear
To investigate the role of fear in human difficulties it is helpful to look at the emphasis placed by Dzogchen Ponlop Rinpoche on the Buddha’s teaching, summing up the meaning of suffering in one word: fear (Ponlop, 2007). When we clearly understand the pervasiveness of fear in all experience, starting with ourselves, we can understand the suffering of others and are able to compassionately respond (Ponlop, 2002). Lama Tenpa further delineates three primary fears based on the three types of suffering symbolically reflected in the lower, human and god realms (Gyaltsen, 2010). These include the fear of not being physically safe (lower realm), the fear of being alone (god realm), and the fear of not having worth (human realm). Tenpa also accentuates how fear is a result of false imagination (Gyaltsen, 2009). From this we can deduce that it is false to imagine we are not safe, that we are alone, and that we are without worth. The first two faulty imaginings contradict the truth of emptiness, in that there is no selfhood to protect and that we are interdependent and not singular, separate or permanent. The third misperception of worthlessness contradicts the truth of our basic goodness, Buddha Nature, and our capacity to awaken in any moment. Embodiment of these truths leads to the cessation of fear and hence suffering, the third noble truth.
Fearful imagining is reflected in and can be induced by word pictures that imply danger, abandonment or worthlessness, the three types of fear to which humans are most vulnerable. These basic fears and their antidotes are reflected in three foundational rungs of Maslow’s hierarchy of human needs: safety, belonging and esteem (Maslow, 1999). Looking closely at the earlier dialogue, we see how even minor statements can trigger these three fears, fear-based behaviors, and the imagined unmet needs driving fear. We can see in the first statement, “You have pushed me too far!” how Tom conjures a picture of threat to his safety. He may also imagine that he would be alone in his position and increasingly unsafe. The picture of someone pushing him may also precipitate unexamined thoughts that Sue does not respect or value him, threatening his worth as a human being. Hearing these words she may imagine Tom has accused her of ill will and fear she has lost value as a decent human being. She may also feel shame and imagine increased isolation. Her response, “You are not listening to me!” is a generalized statement that deflects a blameful image back onto him. It suggests a picture that both individuals are alone and not connected through hearing. Sue has mirrored his increased volume of speech, suggesting a returned force that would likely increase a fear-based visceral excitement in both individuals.
If we were to continue to observe escalating interactions between these two people we would note increased signs of aggression, attachment and ignorance expressed in the fear-induced reactions of fight, flight or freeze behaviors. While ignorance is at the root of each of these kleshas, fear is an outcome of ignorance and also drives the strategy of ignorance as a defense. Ignorance is obviously at work in the misperception of one another and compounded by conceptual word pictures that move each person further from direct experience. Both individuals also ignore certain phenomena that would help them see themselves, one another and the situation more fully. Ignorance can be seen in a spectrum of behaviors from lack of awareness to dissociative states that serve to screen against contact that is imagined to be harmful. Aggression is a forward moving posture of attack for defense or gain. Its energetic quality is to move perceived danger away or to take something that is imagined as necessary. Fight behavior is understood as a survival mechanism, and here we can see how it is a response to imagined threats to safety, connection and self-worth. The problem of attachment is intertwined in ignorance and aggression. Our grasping clouds reality and confuses strategies for getting needs met with actual needs that are simply a reflection of our interdependence. The attachment to a particular strategy and outcome drives aggression and further mistaken thinking. Flight and freeze responses generally reflect strategies to maintain safety yet typically move us toward isolation and away from the experience of connection. Flight and freeze responses can also be utilized to avoid or hide from reality, compound ignorance and further suffering.

Fear behind Difficult Feelings
Experiences described as feelings or emotions are an amalgam of body sensations and cognitions built on past association, interpretation and future projection. It behooves us to look at how fear colors cognitive processes and is played out in difficult emotional states including anger, shame, guilt, worry, depression, confusion and desperation.
Anger is a defensive gesture in response to fears of loss of safety, connection and esteem. It is a form of aggression aimed at intimidating and creating fear in the “other”. The denial of fear underlying anger is necessary to actualize its intended effect. Individuals embodying anger will “puff up” to appear big and move quickly and forcefully like an animal that is cornered or hunting for survival. Phrases such as “I won’t let you,” or “I know better than you,” are used to inflate one’s power. To deflate the power of an imagined enemy, phrases such as “you’re disgusting,” or “you don’t know what you are talking about,” are utilized to increase the power differential by diminishing the other. The denied fear behind the display of anger is projected onto the other and this projection further solidifies an enemy image of other as weak and contemptible. Non-verbal expressions of anger increase physical excitement and may generate anxiety and fear in the person who is the target of anger. Fear and anger then become a repeating cycle of cause and effect for both participants in an escalating fight.
A phrase that captures the attitude of shame is, “I’m a bad person.” Immobilized postures of hiding, submission or withdrawal typify the social relationship of self to other in states of shame. This frozen posture is a fear response to the imagined threat of continued shaming from others. Retroflected anger, where we turn aggression back on the self, is a common aspect of extended states of shame. The message of shame is internalized as an enemy image and used repeatedly against the self, often in phrases that mimic “I’m bad.” The long-term effect of shame increases isolation, diminishes worth and habituates high arousal states in the body.
Guilt is a similar phenomenon to shame in that thoughts are turned against the actions of the self. Guilt may occur following the commitment of a harmful action as an expression of self-reflection and regret. Individuals may use time alone to reflect on their actions and move toward self-forgiveness, amends and positive aspirations for the future. When guilt becomes an entrenched attitude, it perpetuates harmful retroflected anger characterized by an internal dialogue of repeated recriminations. A phrase that captures this continuously looping dialogue is, “My actions are bad”. Fear of isolation increases alongside hopelessness towards change and the ability to benefit others. An extended attitude of guilt degenerates into an internalized enemy image of a shamed self in the eyes of an unrelenting world.
Undue mental rumination expressed in worry creates repeated images of suffering and anxiety based on future imagined scenarios. In worry, our thinking includes pictures of disaster exacerbated by figures of speech such as: “I’ll just die if...,” “He’ll kill me if...,” and “I’ll never forgive myself if…” An exaggerated and distorted past is often invoked in the faulty prognostication of the future. This is inflamed by mental pictures captured in phrases such as: “I was such fool when...” and “I can never take it back.” Worry freezes the capacity to respond effectively as every imagined solution is shot down by an internal voice that declares, “It’s hopeless.” Worry stretches across a continuum of normal concern based on projections of probable consequences to flight into obsessive, delusional and paranoid thought patterns.
Many forms of depression are exacerbated by internalized and retroflected anger.
A part of the falsely constructed self depresses, or presses against, another imagined aspect of the self. The internal struggle is manifested in a deadlocked and nullifying expression. The internalized fight is expressed physiologically, exhausting movement and freezing the individual in fear. This frozen state reduces environmental contact and diminishes awareness and choice. The individual is stuck in a war of self-hatred, often expressed unconsciously, leading to increased hopelessness and despair. The imagined parts of the self are enemy images to one another. Aggressive and shaming phrases expressed in this deadening internal dialogue include “I hate myself”, don’t even try” and “you’re a loser”. These invalid cognitions are the result of a spiraling pattern of negative thoughts that become increasingly exaggerated and can lead to serious depressive episodes (Begley, 2007).
Confusion is a fog we hide in to deflect fear. We may be afraid to make choices that we imagine would isolate ourselves from others or envision our safety is in jeopardy if we make the “wrong choice.” We may have an imagined belief that we are not capable of making a “right decision” reflecting an attitude of low self-worth. Conflicting internal drives are at work in confusion, and uncertainty is a fog into which we unconsciously take flight. Escaping reality, we avoid identifying the source of our confusion and flee decision-making. We continue to wander in the fog of ignorance as fear of a haunting and unidentified enemy grows over time. The enemy image lurking in the fog of oblivion may be the expression of imagined helplessness or the anticipation of a dreaded result. The deadlock of helplessness and fearful expectation contribute to the holding pattern or frozen quality exhibited in confusion. Deflection, a pattern of turning attention away from oneself or the environment, the imagined enemy, is the flight component of confusion. Dissociation is the result of a continued and exaggerated pattern of deflection and flight from contact with what we imagine as the enemy within ourselves and the world.
An attitude of desperation leads to grasping behaviors to deflect fears associated with survival, degradation and loneliness. We take flight through deflection into driven and addictive behaviors of excessive consumption, compulsive activities, fantasy, drugs and codependency to quench pain or escape imagined self-deficit. Desperation assumes we need an external support, and we become fixated on a particular strategy to acquire it. Underlying desperation is a significant component of fearful expectation that we are not physically safe, connected to others or adequate. Instead of relaxing into the interdependent and ever changing nature of existence, we panic, and grasp onto certainty and what we imagine we can extract from the “other.” In codependency we cling to others and the imagined belief that meeting their needs will make us worthy. Trusting in the ultimate nature of our interdependence, we do not target specific outcomes or particular people as necessary for the satisfaction of our needs for belonging. We know we have purpose and belong. Understanding emptiness we trust the unrestricted options available to us in each and every moment.

The Enemy Images of Self and Other
The false conceptual construction of “self” and “other” is the basis of the enemy image and the fundamental fear it provokes. The self is an enemy image because it separates us from others and we also fear its loss. The other is an enemy image because it is separate and frightening in its unpredictability. The other represents a threat in the “gain” we receive from it as well as in the “loss” we anticipate it will cause. The other is also represented in the cherished object we fear losing and the difficulty, such as an illness, we dread to gain. Even the state of happiness is immersed in fear as we suffer the anticipation of its passing. In modern terms we may understand this as existential anxiety. Ponlop describes this fear as a subliminal panic that is all-pervasive in every living heart (Ponlop, 2007).
Language is the tool that is primarily utilized to conceptually divide the world into “self” and “other”. To compound factors, thinking itself is a retroflective activity where the imagined self is divided into self and other and acted upon (Perls, 1980). In our internal dialogue we become an object to ourselves and hence, the enemy. The internalized other is patterned on an introjected other from the environment. Cognitive processes would not have developed if we did not have an “other” in the environment with which to speak. Thinking, and its technology speech, is built on the template of the self-other relationship in the world (Mead, 1969). Nonviolent Communication, in its thrust to move language patterns toward more accurate observations of direct perception, offers a significant upgrade. It explicates much of what is implicit in Buddhist teachings on Right Speech by offering us a systematic approach to identifying and rooting out harsh words.

Speaking with a Courageous Heart
To face fear is to have courage, honesty and heart. In the speech that binds our relationships, we must look directly at the indicators of fear arising in our words. Mindfully, we can learn to listen for the suffering beneath the enemy labels in speech. As we investigate and touch this fear in others and ourselves, our hearts naturally respond with compassion. We must be willing to acknowledge the sadness we discover below the fear of anticipated loss. It is this acknowledgement that begins to heal the division of self and other. NVC suggests we lead with the tender heart in holding an intention to connect with others and give voice to our feelings of concern and vulnerability. We must take the courageous step of contacting and vocalizing our deeper awareness and human longing for safety, belonging and worth. With others we can compassionately listen for these needs below their painful expressions and assist them in discovering their tender heart. Our curiosity, openness and interest in contributing to the well being of self and other will eventually collapse the imagined divide. Presented here are six factors effective in addressing conflict and creating understanding between people. These interface the NVC approach with basic Buddhist principals and include:
1. Setting an intention to connect
2. Willingness to rest in unknown
3. Clear observations and reflections
4. Compassionate embrace of feelings
5. Investigation and insight into interdependent needs
6. Open, courageous and inviting requests
In our exploration we will look back at the earlier example of miscommunication and show how the application of these factors cultivates clear and compassionate speech.

Setting an Intention to Connect
In setting an intention to connect with others we prioritize clear understanding and relationship over any other imagined outcome in our dialogue (Rosenberg, 2002). An intention to connect is a commitment to deep listening and compassionate hearing as guiding principles. The intention serves as a reminder to pay close attention to internal messages as well as the information we are receiving from the “other.” We must be willing to shuttle our attention between self and other. This means at times we need to bracket our own experience to deeply listen to the other. At other times, it is a commitment to bracket external stimuli to listen deeply to our internal experience. In the earlier example an intention to connect would have provided some breathing space in the conflict between the man and the woman. When Sue first heard Tom’s exclamation, “You are pushing me too far!” it would be helpful for her to follow an NVC approach. She could first focus on her internal experience and offer herself some empathy. It would be a good idea for her to then take a slow, intentional breath to calm some of the fear-based excitement she registered in her body. Next, shuttling her attention to him, Sue could reflect on his signs of distress and reflect on the deeper feelings and needs beneath Tom’s strong expression. The intention to compassionately hear is a willingness to consider and appreciate the fear and suffering in the experience of both self and other. Our trust in the power of this intention is a trust in the desire for happiness that lies beneath the suffering of all people. It reflects a trust in our basic goodness and capacity for clarity and compassion in each moment. Our intention also serves to help us accept our imperfections in the dialogue process and remain focused on our priority of meaningful connection.

Resting in the Unknown
If we wish to create understanding, at any point in a difficult conversation we must be willing to generate a mindful gap and rest in the unknown. Spaciousness is by created when we remember to hold still with emotions that arise and relax the tensions precipitated in the body. In the second example, when Sue took a moment to clearly see her response and calm her energy with an intentional deep breath, she was better able to let go of fear and pay attention to Tom. In the first example, unattended fears clouded her perception and she jumped to the conclusion that he was “not listening.” While her interest in being understood may not have been immediately met, relaxing into “not knowing” about the man’s aggression would provide space for compassionate investigation to arise. In a calm state, mental activity is relaxed and space opens in the mind for reflection. We are better able to slow our speech and not respond impulsively in return. It takes courage to rest in the unknown and not be attached to a particular outcome in our interactions with others. We must be willing to let go of agendas and complicated strategies to meet our needs (Rosenberg, 2002). The simple three-step process of mindful gap, seeing clearly and letting go makes room for compassion to arise naturally (Ponlop, 2008). In the mindful gap we open to the unknown, the false dichotomy of self and other collapses in clearly seeing the truth of suffering, and in letting go we open to the next moment, relaxed and emptied of fearful expectations.

Clear Reflections and Observations
The mindful use of language to describe experience is a cornerstone of Nonviolent Communications. We must pay acute attention to the words we choose in resolving conflict and helping individuals make contact in meaningful ways. Commonly used metaphors in speech often derail understanding and take us further from accurately describing phenomena. Our goal in moving closer to the truth with the choice of our words moves us closer to one another. The recognition and translation of enemy images is crucial in this process. Beneath the use of an enemy image, we can always assume a sense of threat, pain or separation from others. This is obvious in our example, “You are pushing me too far!” In responding to Tom we would never correct him, rather we would first offer a clear reflection of his words and nonverbal communication that demonstrates we had heard him correctly. Something as simple as, “You stated that I was pushing you too far and your voice doubled in volume.” We would immediately follow this with a further observation, “I’m wondering if you are feeling irritated and need respect?” When we reflect our simple perceptions, we offer a more accurate mirror for our dialogue partner to consider. Our reflection of our view of the other person is less distorted and we come closer to a shared view based on valid cognition. The guess we offer, in our effort to translate his enemy image into feelings and needs, further demonstrates our interest in joining with his experience in creating a more accurate and mutual understanding.
We must be careful to note the difference between an evaluative interpretation and a clear observation. If Tom was schooled in Nonviolent Communication, he would have first noted his internal state including feelings and needs, looked for the stimulus in the environment he was responding to, and shared this information stating, “I feel upset when you suggest we delay the peace negotiations until next year. I need consideration for all the work we have done so far.” In his willingness to share the awareness of his personal experience, he is more likely to sustain Sue’s engagement in the dialogue and assist her in understanding his perspective. He stays closer to the facts when he calmly and specifically states what he was responding to. Tom would be more likely to move toward meeting his needs for consideration if he were to ask Sue to reflect his statement with the request, “Would you be willing to tell me what you heard me say?” This request would also serve to keep the dialogue focused on clear observations, instead of evaluative interpretations of each other’s behavior.

Compassionate Embrace of Feelings
In the compassionate embrace of difficult feelings we appreciate the opportunity to recognize and face suffering. Instead of judging emotion as bad we welcome the opportunity to investigate the suffering we witness in its expression (Nhat Hanh, 2001). In Nonviolent Communication we encourage the expression of difficult feelings so we may better understand the nature of pain and the causes driving its expression. When we assist others in clarifying their feelings we help them to differentiate between emotion and thought. In our example if Tom were to help clarify the Sue’s feelings, he could reflect what she said and offer a guess as to her experience based on his observations. NVC would suggest his inquiry begin with a comment such as, “When you say I am not listening to you, I imagine you might be feeling angry. Is that true?” He translates her enemy image of “not listening,” and guesses the more immediate feeling she may be experiencing. Tom’s speculation is a gesture towards understanding and serves to assist her in clarifying her internal awareness. Sue may affirm his guess or offer something closer to her experience such as, “No, I’m feeling frustrated!” It would then be helpful for him to probe more deeply in search of the fear beneath her frustration and offer a comment such as, “I’m also wondering if you are afraid that your concerns are not being addressed?” During this conversation Tom may need to shuttle his attention briefly to emotion rising in his own body and take a moment to see, compassionately embrace, and let go of his own fear. Here we see how acceptance and investigation of emotional states provides the ground for their release. Suffering is liberated on the spot and space is opened for further dialogue and understanding.

Investigation and Insight into Interdependent Needs
Needs, as defined in Nonviolent Communication, are an expression of life and universal in nature. From the Buddhist point of view we can understand this definition of needs as an expression of our interdependence. In relationships, they are not an expression of attachment, or desire for something specific from the other person. Needs represent universal human requirements for optimal health and well-being. When we reflect on each other’s needs in a specific situation, we create understanding of our mutual humanity and hence, connection. We value and affirm the needs that others strive to express and meet through their communication. We also value our own need to contribute and join with others in a way that provides mutually beneficial exchange. When we name the need that is driving a challenging feeling, we uncover the positive longing beneath a painful expression. We affirm the truth of our basic selflessness, interdependence and human value.
We can see how naming the needs for understanding, respect and consideration explored in our sample dialogue would better lead to their manifestation. If Sue had been versed in Nonviolent Communication, she could speak more straightforwardly and positively assert her need to be understood. Instead of offering an enemy image of Tom “not listening,” she could calmly state her feelings of frustration after offering a clear reflection of what she heard him say. Then it would be helpful for her to immediately add, “I would like to know that you understand my reasoning for waiting until we have a better solution. Would you be willing to hear a more detailed explanation?” This request furthers her need for understanding in a manner that is inviting and not forceful. When Sue expresses her personal feelings and needs, Tom is more likely to be drawn toward her request, than repelled by criticism and blame. If he responds positively, she might also clearly state her need to contribute to a peaceful negotiation with the statement, “I would also like you to understand my shared desire to contribute to a successful resolution. Would you be willing to reflect what you just heard me say?” Here Sue acknowledges their mutual needs to contribute, receive consideration, and respect for their diligent efforts. She also requests a reflection of her statement to ascertain that she has been heard and understood.

Open and Inviting Requests
In each of the above scenarios we heard requests that are simple, specific, doable and present-centered. Requests must be grounded in the here and now, and not vaguely refer to the universal need from which they arise. When we make a request that is doable, we offer our talking partner an opportunity to contribute positively to the ongoing dialogue and relationship. The specificity of the request adds to clarity and a measurable outcome. In our example Tom could make the request, “I am very tired and guess you are too. After we have an opportunity to rest and reconsider our options, would you be willing continue our discussion tomorrow morning for two more hours?” Sue may counter with the affirmation that she is very tired, yet unable to meet his request due to her time constraints. Tom could state that he would be willing to listen to her reasoning and suggest a time frame in the near future that could meet both their needs.
A request is different from a demand in that it neither forces nor intimidates the other person. We know our requests are actually demands by the quality of our response when they are denied. If we become angry when we hear “no,” we can assume we had a secret expectation couched in our request. When we are denied a request, it is not a sign to give up. It is an opportunity to explore what is behind our partner’s “no” (Rosenberg, 2002). This further investigation helps us better understand his or her point of view and stay connected in the process of negotiating toward a meeting point. We must learn to face our fear after clearly seeing that we have imagined our safety is threatened, imagined that we have been “pushed” into isolation or imagined we have been devalued through rejection. When we deeply investigate the “no” of the other person, we discover his or her underlying needs are valid and do not reflect negatively on our being. In making requests, we must remember that we are ultimately responsible for meeting our own needs to contribute and create understanding, respect and peace in our lives.

Conclusion
This paper provides a brief introduction to methods of Nonviolent Communication that is practical and integrates well with Buddhist principles. The approach is simple but not necessarily easy, and necessitates practice over time. We begin with looking at our internal dialogue as well as our external patterns of speech. Reflecting on the speech of our partners in dialogue, we apply the same diligent investigation and understanding we apply to ourselves. We must be as conscientious and mindful in our interpersonal practices as we are with our practice of meditation. Our willingness to experiment with these methods rests on our positive intention to connect and faith in the interdependent nature of existence. Our missteps become grist for the mill, for as Khenpo Tsultrim Gyamtso states, “Erring and erring, we walk the unerring path” (Ponlop, 2009).
Our openness to the outcome of any dialogue reflects our willingness to fully accept others and ourselves in the moment. The fearless pursuit of kindness, truth and human dignity is our birthright. We must not be shy in doggedly pursuing these basic human needs for others and ourselves. Learning nonviolent methods of compassionate speech is essential for this task. While holding the view of nonduality, we respect our relative experience of self and other. We accept the joy and sadness inherent in the world and in human relationship. The warriorship we practice with our words must not invoke delusion and fear. It must be clear and gentle, honest and strong.

References
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Gyaltsen, Tenpa. Discussion. Nalandabodhi gathering at Cappadonna residence, Boulder, CO. February 28, 2010.

Gyaltsen, Tenpa. Lecture. Nalandabodhi Dzogchen Cottage, Boulder, CO. December 5, 2009.

Ledoux, Joseph. The Emotional Brain. NY: Touchstone, 1996.

Maslow, Abraham. Towards a Psychology of Being. Canada: John Wiley & Sons, 1999.

Mead, George Herbert. Mind, Self and Society. IL: University of Chicago Press, 1967.

Perls, Frederick. Gestalt Therapy. NY: Bantam Books, 1980.

Ponlop, Dzogchen. Emotions-From Theory to Practice: Putting the Teachings into Action. Bodhi: The Voice of Vajrayana Buddhism. Vol. 9, No. 4., 2008.

Ponlop, Dzogchen. Erring and Erring, We Walk the Unerring Path. Shambhala Sun. Vol. 18, No. 6., 2009.

Ponlop, Dzogchen. Science of Mind: INT200 Sourcebook (Nalandabodhi Study Curriculum). Seattle: Nalandabodhi, 2002.

Ponlop, Dzogchen. The Life of the Buddha and the Spiritual Journey: Introduction to Buddhism 100 (Nalandabodhi Study Curriculum). Seattle: Nalandabodhi, 2007.

Rosenberg, Marshall. Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life. CA: PuddleDancer Press, 2003.

Rosenberg, Marshall. Speak Peace in a World of Conflict: What You Say Next Will Change Your World. CA: PuddleDancer Press, 2005.

Nhat Hanh, Thich. Anger: Wisdom for Cooling the Flames. NY: Riverhead Books, 2001.

Trungpa, Chogyam, edited by Gimian, Carolyn. Rose. Smile at Fear: Awakening the True Heart of Bravery. Boston: Shambhala, 2009.

Buddhism and Nonviolent Communication: A Practice for Peace

Mon, 4 May 2009 11:27:38 -0600

Prhist Approach to Global Crisis”
”Speak or act with a peaceful mind and happiness follows like a never departing shadow.”
The Buddha from The Dhammapada

Nonviolent Communication (NVC) is an effective discipline that utilizes language to connect compassionately, whose theory and practice parallels several foundational Buddhist principles. This paper explores how complementary NVC skill sets can be employed by Buddhists to enhance the development of Right Speech. NVC emphasizes numerous factors that align with Buddhism including intentionality, curiosity, clarity of observation, empathy in relationship, interdependence, basic goodness, nonviolence, non-attachment, an emphasis on contributing to the well-being of others and a balanced pursuit of one’s own well-being.   These key features of NVC are examined in their suggested application from the perspective of Skillful Means, Right Speech, the Three Jewels, the Four Noble Truths and the Six Paramitas. Examples of the effectiveness of NVC are drawn from its numerous practitioners including the founder, Marshall Rosenberg, who has demonstrated success with this model in situations as diverse as family counseling, educational consulting and international negotiations. The Buddhist path provides practitioners with the opportunity to work with modern methodologies by adapting forms congruent with its basic values. It is recommended that Buddhist practitioners may contribute substantially to the relief of global suffering by learning and utilizing many of the suggested language technologies of NVC.
Intention
The intention of the practitioner of NVC is foremost to its success. Rosenberg describes the core of the work when he shares his intention behind creating NVC as an interpersonal skill:
“I developed NVC as a way to train my attention - to shine the light of consciousness - on places that have the potential to yield what I am seeking. What I want in my life is compassion, a flow between myself and others based on a mutual giving from the heart.” (2003).
His simple statement reflects trust in the effectiveness of generosity and compassion in the human relationship. Underlying his words is an assumption of the interdependence between human beings and our ability to contribute to each other’s happiness. Holding the sole intention to give and receive with compassion is fundamental to each of the four core components of the where attention is trained in NVC. These include observations, feelings, needs and requests.
Clear Observations
The ability of the NVC practitioner to clearly observe a situation is essential. Often in the practice it is necessary to translate this observation into a verbal description that is without judgment or personal prejudice. Communication often breaks down with misperceptions and errors in language patterns that are habitual distortions of the truth. A common example of a language error is when someone states, “I feel you are so unfair”. First, this statement reflects a conceptual idea and not a true feeling. Second, it is a generalization that has no specific function. Third, it labels the other person in a way that will typically create more distance than compassionate connection. A clear observation that is understandable might be, “I noticed in our last class you called on two boys that raised their hands and did not call on me when I was the only girl who raised her hand”.   A key to being received and understood by another person in a potentially conflictual situation is to provide information that is without personal bias, interpretation or evaluation. Removing this bias in our speech is a way to step out of an ego-centered perspective. It also trains our attention on the bare qualities of our observations. It is a step toward making better contact with others through creating a shared understanding of what is.
Empathetic Feelings
In NVC focus is placed on empathetically identifying and understanding feelings in oneself and others. Feelings are recognized as states based in body sensations and are expressions of vulnerability. They typically denote when our needs are met or unmet and include many nuances of joy, peace, curiosity, gratitude, satisfaction, confidence, inspiration, affection, grief, fear, anger, shame, confusion, loneliness, frustration and overwhelm. The power of identifying internal feelings states increases self-awareness and helps us to discern better as we have the opportunity to clearly separate feelings from observations. Understanding that as adults we are responsible for our feelings and that situations are not the cause of our feelings is fundamental to NVC. Paying attention to body sensations and feelings makes our emotions workable and underscores their impermanence. Without this self-awareness we are more likely to believe our feelings and to act on them in ways that are harmful to others and ourselves. In naming our more difficult feelings NVC allows us to touch them and more readily let them go.
Genuine curiosity towards the feelings of others and helping others to identify their feelings is a signal that we are interested in connecting to their experience. Nonjudgmental feeling with the passion of others is the basis of compassion. We never assume we know what others are feeling but rather offer a heart felt guess in our inquiry. We might say, “I noticed you just now raised your voice louder than usual and I am wondering if you are feeling angry?” instead of “you are so angry”. When we inquire about a feeling, following a clear observation, we are much more likely to be met with honesty and lessoned resistance. Even if we guess wrong our generosity to focus on the other person offers them the opportunity to clarify what they are experiencing. They might say something like “no, I’m actually scared I might fail this class” or “yes, I’m very upset you didn’t called on me”. Either way, we are getting closer to understanding their suffering so we may better offer empathy with a clear reflection. Repeating what they have just expressed lets the other person know we have heard them correctly and that we have no judgment regarding our awareness of their internal state. We could say, “I am hearing you are scared and concerned about passing this class” or “I hear you were feeling upset when I called on two boys and did not call on you, the only girl who raised her hand”.
Interdependent Needs
Feeling states are driven by the sense that needs are met or unmet. The feeling of confusion is often driven by the need for clarity. Difficult feelings are typically driven by
perceptions that needs are not met and happy feelings are typically driven by perceptions that needs are met. When people feel lonely they may have a need for community.   When someone feels tranquil the need for harmony may be satisfied. The purpose of feelings in this context is not to identify with them but rather to appreciate their utility in signaling a need that we may then choose to satisfy or not.   Needs are a reflection that all of life is an interdependent web where exchange is vital to existence. A need is defined by the fact that everyone universally shares this need. Needs in NVC are listed in basic categories that include physical needs, choice, integrity, interdependence, contribution, spirituality and celebration (Rosenberg, 2003). Buddhists can understand the universality of this concept when we reflect on some of the indispensable needs provided by the three jewels of the Buddha, Dharma and Sangha. Within Sangha we find our needs met for acceptance, contribution, support, warmth and honesty. The Dharma meets our need for truth and clarity. The jewel of the Buddha fulfills our need for guidance and inspiration.
If we were to guess the underlying needs of the young woman in our earlier example we might ask “I’m wondering if you are feeling angry because you are needing equality?” She might say yes or she might say, “No, I need to participate in class. I really want to learn this material.” Either way, she has gotten closer to compassionately connecting with her own needs and you have gotten closer to compassionately connecting with her. It is important to make an inquiry regarding both the feelings and the needs that appear to be driving the emotions. This creates a deeper understanding of feelings that may be particularly difficult for you or the other person to accept. Focusing attention on the underlying need points in the direction of the shared humanity of the two people in conflict. The individual identification with personal pain and separateness begins to dissolve and the two people can become collaborators in finding solutions to the difficulty.
In order to clearly reflect the feelings and needs of another person we must set aside our own feelings and needs and focus intently on the experience of the other person. This requires that we pay precise attention to our own internal capacity to accomplish this in the moment. If we recognize we are not capable of calming our own emotional state enough to respond clearly we may choose to excuse ourselves and offer to return after an interval of time. When we are able to commit our attention to the other person we continue to offer our willingness to listen and reflect feelings and needs until there is a sense that the other person has “emptied their cup”.   This metaphor suggests that they have fully expressed themselves and recognize your understanding. It is only in this relatively empty state that a person is then capable of receiving and accurately reflecting your feelings and concerns. When we assist others to clarify their internal feelings and needs we contribute to their welfare and capacity to receive us as well.
Requests Without Attachment
In sharing our feelings and needs it is important to request the willingness of the other person to listen. If we are the teacher in the earlier example, after hearing fully from the student we might ask, “I’m feeling concern and have a need to contribute to your learning, would you be willing to tell me what you just heard me say?” By asking the student to repeat what we said we are requesting her participation. If she responds positively, our question will then help us assess if our communication was effective. We must be willing to trust that however the student responds, we are receiving important information about the other person or ourselves. We must be willing to accept her response without expectations. If the student is unwilling and we have an emotional reaction we can assume that we asked the question with an agenda and our request was actually a demand. Our non-attachment to her response keeps us open to further inquiry that might help us better understand her feelings and needs. It will also allow us to reflect on our actions including the clarity and openness of our request. Were we using language she understands? Did we have a tone in our voice that was angry? Were we truly making the request from our heart or were we performing the task perfunctorily? A request that comes with expectations is a form of violence. While we may gain temporary results through coercion the long-term effects negates the needs of both teacher and student to freely give and receive.
Requests are the way we seek exchange with the environment and enrich our lives. In NVC they usually follow the expression of observations, feelings and needs. Without the information provided by an observation, the context of our request may not be correctly understood. Expressing our feelings and needs when making a request generously offers the listener the contents of our heart. We make ourselves vulnerable in sharing our humanity by building a compassionate bridge of understanding through universally experienced feelings and needs. When the teacher genuinely expresses concern and the desire to contribute, the student is more likely to understand and trust the intention behind a request.
Effective requests are specific, positive and doable. In the above example the teacher made a simple request that asked for something that the student could readily understand and was free to choose. Had the teacher asked accusingly, “Why don’t you quit your lazy study habits so I will want to call on you?” the student would likely fight back or shut down in shame. If we look closely at this last example, the teachers’ response was judgmental and the question was actually a request for an explanation and not a specific behavior the student could readily execute. Beginning a request in the negative, the teacher may never discover the special needs of the student or help design a study plan that would meet her needs for learning and participation. Requests that are vague or confusing often leave both parties feeling frustrated and alienated from one another. We often make requests about what we don’t want rather than what we actually do want. Let’s imagine the student responded by stating, “Don’t patronize me”. While the student may believe she has made it clear what she wants, a judgment was expressed and the teacher was not offered any concrete action steps that would help the student.
Needs and requests between people intersect in all our exchanges and our job is to trust that a compassionate and honest approach will eventually lead to satisfaction for both individuals. The next step for the teacher may be to patiently start over by utilizing the NVC sequence of reflecting observations, inquiring about feelings and needs, and making a request. The teacher could say, “When you said you don’t want to be patronized, I was wondering if you feel angry and need respect. Is that true?”
When we make this simple request it is important to remember that we are not assuming responsibility for the other persons’ feelings or meeting their needs. Our intention is solely to clarify what is true for them in the moment and to create a sense of understanding between each other.
Trusting our Inherent Goodness
Trusting the NVC process means accepting that our purpose is not to change people in order to get our way. It also assumes that the purpose of our empathy is not to manipulate but to create relationship that enriches both people. This balanced approach to the pursuit of our own happiness recognizes our basic interdependence and mitigates the problems created when we approach others from an egocentric point of view. NVC is built on principles that people are essentially generous, compassionate and interested in contributing to the welfare of others. It also assumes that our feelings and needs are purposeful in that they may be utilized to help inform our decisions. If we identify feeling distraught, what need are we not attending to? If we recognize the need for peace, what requests do we make of whom? Would we like to create a space in the day when the children play quietly? Or is the request internal? NVC skills can be applied to our interior dialogue to create greater self-acceptance and confidence in our choices. Does a part of us want to be more diligent in our meditation practice and another part concerned about doing a good job at work and at home? By clearly observing our internal states and deeply listening to our self-talk we notice how empathy and a nonjudgmental attitude towards our feelings and needs creates an open space for creative solutions to arise. We begin to find that we can make doable, concrete requests of ourselves and follow through on our commitments.
The Four Noble Truths
As Buddhists we can better understand both the philosophy and practice recommended in NVC if we look at it through the lens of the Four Noble Truths. These include the awareness of the truth of suffering, awareness of the arising of suffering, understanding the cessation of suffering is possible and learning the path to the cessation of suffering.
Awareness of Suffering
NVC is designed to alleviate the suffering we experience in our interactions with others and in our self-dialogue. It recognizes the many confusions and errors in our speech that contribute to misunderstandings, conflict and difficult emotions. NVC recognizes that many of these patterns are culturally, socially and personally embedded in faulty observations, habitual language and misdirected attention. It shines the light on these painful artifacts of human relationship so we may better understand the nature of our interpersonal suffering. NVC also understands we have introjected these harmful language patterns into our interior dialogue and increase personal suffering with distorted observations, self-blame and unformed goals that translate into ineffective self-requests. In helping us to identify difficult feelings and unmet needs, NVC assists us to delve deeper to the roots of our suffering in ignorance, passion or aggression. Clear awareness of our erroneous thought patterns and distressing emotions is the first step toward holding them with compassion and transparency.
The Arising of Suffering
Clearly understanding the cause of our suffering helps us alleviate habitual patterns of ego that separate us from intimately knowing one another. Inquiry in NVC is designed to help us get beneath defensive language and posturing that is the mark of self-clinging and alienation. Empathetic contact involves the willingness to reveal our personal vulnerabilities and caring for others. The basis of empathy is that we are not separate entities but interdependent without a self to defend, protect or divide us from others. While interconnected we remain responsible for our consciousness and the suffering that arises when we perceive reality through the veil of our addiction to the self. We mistakenly confuse strategies to get our needs met with our true needs for enlightenment, truth and community. When strategies are confused with needs they are considered tragic expressions of needs and include all our attempts to buy, seduce, control, ignore, manipulate and force our way in the world. Genuine contact with others opens us to loosening boundaries we have falsely created leading toward greater satisfaction in relationship.
The Cessation of Suffering
Freedom from suffering is based in the example of the Buddha, our recognition of the truth of his teachings and following his example in cultivating the qualities of the Eightfold Noble Path. These eight are then the cause of awakening and include Right View, Right Thinking, Right Speech, Right Action, Right Livelihood, Right Diligence, Right Mindfulness and Right Concentration (Nhat Hanh, 1999). NVC strives to make our speech clear and empathetic and by doing so eliminates the cause of future misunderstandings. The cessation of suffering begins to occur for those on the path with small incremental moments of awakening when we are open to the experience of nonduality. Opportunities for stirring this experience are available in relationship when we are able to freely open our hearts and mind. Compassion based in the experience of nonduality has the greatest scope of understanding and effectiveness. Buddhism and NVC recognize the seeds of compassion in every human heart.
The Path Leading to the Cessation of Suffering
The Buddhist path of study, contemplation and meditation empowers its practitioners to realize the vast nature of mind and thus alleviate suffering. To an enlightened master there is no conflict between self and other: self and other do not exist. The path of a Bodhisattva in the Mahayana and Vajrayana tradition is of one who has this realization and chooses to continue to work for the benefit of all beings. The Bodhisattva may be considered a symbol for all Buddhists who understand their engagement in the world is a dimension of the Buddhist path. Study and meditation inform a contemplative approach to living that includes our interactions with others. NVC requires that we continually reflect on our speech and listen deeply to the messages we receive from others. Nonattachment to outcome in our human relationships offers freedom to others and encourages us to practice letting go on a daily basis. We recognize our misunderstandings and frustrations are based on a limited view and work towards an all-encompassing view. At the same time, our path is not passive. NVC encourages us to find our voice and offers tools for speaking up when there is injustice, prejudice and violence. Based in language skills that bring forward our inherent compassion, apathy and anger dissolve, and mutual understanding is cultivated.
The development of NVC is a life long process. Commitment to the six Paramitas on the Buddhist path lays a strong foundation for an effective NVC practice. As we have seen in our examples, Dana, or generosity, is at the core of opening our heart and loosening our resistance in communication. Our vow not to harm, Shila, helps us keep watch over words in a disciplined manner so as not to coerce, confuse, label or violate others. Kshanti, or patience, is essential as we learn compassion-based skills and continually listen and communicate until understanding and harmony is generated. With Virya we diligently create the energy and enthusiasm to continue in our efforts. We practice the components of NVC as if we were learning to play the notes on a piano, with faith that over time our effort will become the effortless effort of a Zen concertmaster. Dhyana, the practice of meditation, including concentration and contemplation, provides us presence of mind in our everyday exchanges with others. Prajna becomes wisdom in action, something we continue to seek and discover as we build skillful means, compassion and experience over time.
In Right Speech, one of the practices of the Eight Fold Noble path, there are four parameters: telling the truth, not creating discord between others, not speaking cruelly and not exaggerating (Nhat Hanh, 1999). We can see how NVC embraces all of these concepts. Acute attention is paid to describing reality as truthfully as possible in observations and reporting internal states. In inquiring about the experience of our dialogue partners we are careful to not make assumptions and always ask if our guesses about feelings and needs are correct. NVC counters creating discord (speaking with a forked tongue) by encouraging a straight path to working through conflict. It offers tools for speaking directly to those with whom we have differences and for asserting our needs nonviolently. Cruel, evaluative, judgmental, critical and labeling language is avoided in NVC.   This includes accusatory language that labels or interprets the behavior of others. It emphasizes deep listening and personal sharing to get below defensive language that pits people against each other. In avoiding judgmental language that conveys we are right and the other person is wrong, NVC provides a framework for mutual understanding. NVC requires that we not exaggerate the truth in requiring us to carefully consider our choice of words in how we describe situations, internal states, and make requests. Statements like “you always…” or “you never…” elaborate the truth and are habitually used as vehicles to drive home a righteous stance with underlying anger in our tone. Using mindfulness to calm our emotions and speaking with greater precision we avoid escalating conflict with dramatic embellishments.
Relationship is the Quick Path
Chogyam Trungpa Rinpoche is known to have said, “relationship is the quick path” in reference to the power of leveraging the human encounter to transform consciousness. We receive immediate feedback on the state of our mind through our interactions. Right Speech enfolds out of Right View and Right Thought and has an interactive effect on the development of our view of reality and how we think about it. People employ language in archaic ways that include the use of judgmental and evaluative terms that create an enemy image in the mind (Rosenberg, 2008). When we refer to others as bad, stingy, selfish, mean, lazy or rigid we solidify a hostile attitude in our mind that limits our perception and likely invite defense or humiliation in the mind of the other person.   When we berate ourselves with negative terminology we make us the enemy and limit our capacity to compassionately learn from our own mistakes. We can also see how enemy images create an instantaneous emotional response that further escalates confused and distorted thinking.
Dzogchen Ponlop Rinpoche encourages us to develop a mindful gap in our awareness by learning to hold still with the emotion and not react. Then we can separate ourselves into experiencer and observer of the emotion and we avoid becoming overwhelmed. The space we create offers an opportunity to clearly see a broader view of the entire situation and let go of our mental and energetic fixation (Dzogchen Ponlop, 2008). While NVC does not specify these three steps of mindful gap, clearly seeing and letting go, its invitation to clearly delineate observations, feelings, needs and requests suggests a similar process of mental clarity regarding emotions. In its recommendation for deep inner listening we may understand NVC as a contemplative, interpersonal practice on the quick path.
NVC Dialogue in Action
Returning to the example of teacher and student, let’s go back to the first remark of the student and imagine the teacher has mastered the NVC vocabulary.
Student: I feel you are so unfair. (Notice the common use of “I feel…” is followed by a concept instead of a true feeling. The word “so” is a common exaggeration.)
Teacher: When you say “unfair”, I’m curious if you are feeling angry and needing equal treatment. (He says this in the spirit of kindness and not to correct her.)
Student: No, you just don’t get it.
Teacher: When you say, “I don’t get it”, are you feeling frustrated and need to be understood?
Student: Yes, I’m frustrated and sick of being ignored because I am a girl.
Teacher: I appreciated you letting me know you are frustrated. (He shows appreciation for her willingness to share openly and repeats her feeling so she knows she is heard.) When you say, “ignored as a girl”, I’m wondering if you need attention to your learning process and equal treatment? (Often more than one need is present.)
Student: Yes, I want to be called on when I raise my hand.
Teacher: I hear you want to be taken seriously as a person and called on when you raise your hand. (Repeating a statement is not necessarily agreeing with someone as the intent is to make sure the other person knows they are heard.) Is there anything else that you are feeling? (The teacher asks about anything else to make sure the student has emptied her cup and is in a receptive place to hear his concerns.)
Student: No, thanks for listening.
Teacher: I appreciate your willingness to come and tell me about your concerns and I would like to contribute more to your learning. Would you be willing to hear my concern? (He embeds his observation, feeling, need and request in these two sentences.)
Student: Sure.
Teacher: When you raised your hand in class and I didn’t call on you, I was feeling reluctant because you failed the last oral exam and I needed assurance you had studied enough to answer correctly. Would you be willing to tell me what you just heard me say?
Student: That I’m a failure and you don’t want to embarrass me.
Teacher: When you say “failure” I’m curious if you are feeling sad and scared and needing support in your studies? (Instead of repeating his earlier statement he switches to identifying her feelings and needs when he hears the painfully expressed label “failure”.)
Student: Yes, my mother is sick and as the oldest girl I need to take care of my baby brother and sisters because she is in the hospital. There’s no time to study.
Teacher: (Allowing time for silence to connect to his heart.) When you tell me about your mother I feel sad for you and your whole family. When I hear caring in your voice I’m guessing you also have a need to contribute to the welfare of your family. Is that true?
Student: Yes.
Teacher: Would you be willing to explore with me ways to work with this challenging situation so you can continue your studies?
Student: (crying) I would like that.
As we can see in this example it is not necessary for both people in the dialogue to know NVC to intervene effectively. When working with others who are angry, upset or resist our efforts it is common to discover fear and sadness beneath their initial reaction when we continue to probe compassionately. When others says no to our request it is a signal to investigate deeper into their feelings instead of focusing on our own reaction to their response. This is a time to utilize mindfulness as we notice our reactive emotion, and in that gap, see clearly and let the feeling go. We are then able to bring our full attention back to the other person.
Conclusion
NVC provides us a powerful methodology to take the dharma into personal and socially engaged situations. Marshall Rosenberg has examples of working in situations of tribal and ethnic warfare and has been successful in reconciling many groups and individuals, including Serbs and Bosnians who experienced extreme violence between each others’ families. In 2008, an educational workshop in NVC was taking place in Thailand a week before the Bangkok airport was shut down. While participants came seeking nonviolent tools for many reasons, individuals loyal to either the red shirts or yellow shirts came knowing they would have the opportunity to work side by side in the training. Much to everyone’s relief at this volatile time, in demonstrating the methods of NVC, the teachers were able to facilitate compassionate communication regardless of the issues that arose.
While the practice may appear simple, most individuals do not find it easy. As Buddhists we can understand the degree of mindful attention and maturity on the path that is necessary to master the skills. It is also common, for those recently introduced to the approach, to experience significant moments of connection and reconciliation when utilizing NVC in relationship. Beginners often find simply holding the intention of compassionate connection enough to create greater understanding in approaching others with their requests.
This paper touches on essential elements of NVC as it relates to the role of Buddhism in alleviating suffering in the world. It also explores how Buddhist teachings and mindfulness practice may enhance the effective use of NVC. I feel optimistic that these methods have much to contribute to global understanding and peace. May this work increase clarity and compassion in the mindstream of all sentient beings.
References
Dzogchen Ponlop, Rinpoche. Emotions-From Theory to Practice: Putting the Teachings into Action. Bodhi: The Voice of Vajrayana Buddhism. Vol. 9, No. 4., 2008.
Dzogchen Ponlop, Rinpoche. What the Buddha Taught. Shambhala Sun. Vol. 15, No. 5., 2006.
Fronsdale, Gil. Translation. The Dhammapada. Boston: Shambhala Publications, 2005.
Nhat Hanh, Thich. The Heart of the Buddha’s Teaching: Transforming Suffering into Peace, Joy, and Liberation. NY: Broadway Books, 1999.
Rosenberg, Marshall. Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life. CA: PuddleDancer Press, 2003.
Rosenberg, Marshall. Speak Peace in a World of Conflict: What You Say Next Will Change Your World. CA: PuddleDancer Press, 2008.

The Image of the Buddha: Shaping the Ethical, Social and Psychological Landscape

Sun, 14 Sep 2008 11:47:07 -0600

The sculpted image of the Buddha has been a primary factor in Buddhist practice and education for over 2000 years. It serves as the central symbol of Buddhism in every country where Buddhism has spread. The Buddha sitting in lotus posture, the most commonly displayed image, focuses attention on the practice of meditation as well as qualities of his teaching that include calmness, discipline and introspection. Most significantly, the likeness of the Buddha focuses attention on him as a human being, someone who discovered the path to relieve suffering in the world. The image represents two dimensions regarding tenets central to Buddhism; the extinction of suffering and the path to the extinction of suffering. This paper begins an exploration of how the Buddha image expresses these basic views as well as the social, psychological and ethical implications of Buddhism represented in a visually symbolic language.
Numerous aspects of Buddhist teaching are expressed through the nonverbal language of the three dimensional form of the Buddha statue. The tranquility expressed on his face represents extinction or freedom from suffering that is the state of enlightenment. His overall body posture simultaneously relaxed and held with complete attention, represents the practice of meditation that is utilized to attain this freedom. The juxtaposition of these two qualities, calm abiding and total absorption, is unique to the Buddha representing a balanced state. The posture shows how equanimity is achieved through a process that requires effort yet also provides rest and renewal (Fronsdal, 2006).
The smile of the Buddha reflects an inner state of contentment and knowing that signals friendliness to both self and other. It is not a smile of self satisfaction but rather, it is a smile that is with the universe, not against or despite it. Friendliness, in the representation of the Buddha, is a point of contact with the practitioner who offers devotion. Qualities of friendliness that are denoted in the demeanor of the whole representation include gentleness, kindness and presence. These are expressed in the relaxed muscle tone, the open posture and in the soft and rounded angles of the body and clothing.
The sculpted figure of the Buddha emphasizes teachings coming from the human experience as well as transmission from one human to another. The icon, as a representation of the Buddha, actually provides an opportunity for direct transmission or darshan. Darshan is a Sanskrit word for meeting with the divine and describes transmission that is possible with sacred images as well as with a spiritual teacher or written teachings (Eck, 1981).
Symbolic forms become a potent means of communicating the dimension of Buddha wisdom they embody (Dzogchen Ponlop, 2006). While Buddha images are created to invoke a direct experience of the teachings, they also serve as a connection to a lineage of transmission beginning with the Buddha’s original experience of enlightenment and the teachings he offered following his awakening. This lineage, being passed down through individual practitioners and teachers, is an unbroken line that is reinforced by the veneration of symbolic representations that unite the line to the source of the teachings.
The veneration of the image of the Buddha serves to focus individuals on shared values for the development of both the individual and society. It provides an opportunity for individuals to connect with the highest aspirations of humanity as well as the aspirations of their individual journey. In this way the image of the Buddha provides a vision of what is possible for each individual and humanity as a whole (Armstrong, 2001). As the image and a sense of Buddhism are increasingly accessible throughout the world the figure of the Buddha becomes an archetype of wisdom and compassion.   In Jungian psychology archetypes are universal patterns repeatedly expressed through the human psyche and in cultural forms such as art and literature (Jung, 1964).
The Buddha image demonstrates that finding happiness, peace, clarity and wisdom are the fundamental inheritance of humanity. Sustained interest in the image across time and culture suggests that it represents the aspiration towards our greatest human capacity despite a history of suffering shared by mankind. As a symbol of hope it reminds us that the individual is the basis of all societal change and that one person has tremendous power to effect change in the world.
The Buddha image represents a nonviolent revolution in human consciousness that captures the imagination of each new generation that it touches. The juxtaposition of the Buddha as a young adult, with that of the depth of his teachings, provides a level of hope to young aspirants and those educating future generations. The sitting figure is one of contemplation versus action, perhaps the most difficult discipline for youth. Learning to harness one’s energy is an important and challenging exercise in the maturation process.
The Buddha in sitting meditation is said to represent a mountain (Sogyal, 1994), rooted in the earth yet pointing toward heaven. This posture is grounded and centered, qualities that reflect stability and strength. The gesture of touching the earth, one of the most common depictions of the Buddha, reinforces the reality of his enlightenment. Seeking the earth as confirmation, the Buddha unites the principles of heaven and earth by grounding his experience in the world.
The sitting figure of the Buddha represents his experience at various times in his life including the time of enlightenment, his time in meditation or in interaction with others. Hand mudras provide information as to these activities and are designed to communicate important teachings. Two significant teachings of charity and protection, express fundamental offerings available as the result of his realization. The mudra of charity, with his palm open and down, reflects infinite generosity available to others. The mudra of protection, with his palm open and up, reflects the fearlessness he discovered that is freely offered to others. The mudra of equanimity, with the Buddha’s hands stacked openly in his lap, emphasizes the experience of peace and invites viewers to somatically experience what the Buddha taught by emulating this practice in meditation.
Other dimensions of the Buddha’s teachings are expressed with various symbolic representations and his figure in other postures. It is significant to note that images of the Buddha standing or walking place him as an active agent in the world. In the depiction of the Buddha lying on his side at the end of his life, he is portrayed meeting death with the same equanimity with which he met life. This final teaching, addressing the impermanence of existence, is paired with the message to his followers to strive well with mindfulness (U Ko Lay, 1998).
All depictions of the Buddha express confidence in the human capacity for realization. His image serves to remind us of the complete knowing inherent in each one of us (Campbell, 1974). Confusion regarding the source of this knowing is evident when the Buddha image is worshipped instead of being understood as a symbolic representation of the profound realization he brought into the world. This worship reinforces the human tendency to project our highest capacity onto a God with super human qualities. This only reinforces the false belief that realization is unattainable and not within ourselves.
Spiritual disciplines are particularly prone to the phenomena of positive transference or projection as seen in idol worship and theistic traditions. Buddhism is not immune and must commit to exploring how the image of the Buddha may be misunderstood as a figure to worship instead of emulate. This danger exists within Buddhist culture where veneration can transmute into worship and mask the inspirational and educational purpose of the image. Leaders in the field need to take responsibility for communicating the intent of the Buddha image and bring the fundamental teachings of the Buddha beyond the monastery and university.
The common phenomena of projection on the Buddha statue may be the primary factor most responsible for the mistaken understanding of the Buddha’s teachings. His original followers were concerned about this confusion and insisted on symbolic representations that were devoid of his figure. While this thinking persisted for several hundred years the practice of representing the teachings of Buddhism in the form of its original founder eventually became the norm.
The strong movement to depict the Buddha in a three dimensional form may be understood as an interest in appreciating, understanding and relaying the teachings. The Buddha statue evokes the sense of presence of another being in the imagination of the viewer. This imagined presence offers the individual an opportunity to experience kindness, generosity, reassurance and wisdom as if these offerings were coming from a living person. This other person, the Buddha, represents the opportunity to receive these offerings in their most pure form. In this way the image provides the opportunity to be experienced as an actual emanation of teachings that are eternally alive. Here imagined presence, emphasized by the power of a three dimensional object to create the sense of another being, can be understood to be a vital factor in the phenomena of darshan or direct transmission.
The task of holding the paradoxical interplay of actual and imagined reality is on the viewer and those responsible for clarifying the interpenetrating principles of body, speech and mind. Body is represented in the form of a material statue and the ephemeral expression of an artistic rendering may be understood as a dimension of speech (Easwaran, 1985). In the image of the Buddha the vehicles of body and speech communicate qualities of mind that are beyond conceptual expression.
Learning how to more deliberately shape the communication of Buddhist principles to meet the needs of individuals across historical context and culture includes the presentation of sacred iconography. Understanding the recent proliferation and also destruction of the form of the Buddha will help us understand the sociological and psychological currents underlying these phenomena. For this purpose I will briefly touch on these trends including the proliferation of Buddha images across the landscape of Southeast Asia and in North America.
In the book, Buddha in the Landscape, John Hoskin documents the large number of Buddha statues being constructed throughout Thailand (Standen & Hoskin, 1998). In a nation where the vast majority of the population is Buddhist the drive behind this phenomenon has deep cultural and religious roots. The lay expression of devotion tied to the Buddha image is an opportunity for individuals to experience a heart connection to the teachings and bring these into the world. In Angkor Wat this is poignantly expressed where one observes altars maintained on a daily basis at every site where the form of a Buddha once existed. One can speculate that this proliferation and devotion is tied to an interest in maintaining cherished values in the face of rapid change and global insecurity.
In the west we see the Buddha popularized on T-shirts, by rock bands, in “hip” restaurants and in “chic” home décor. While much of this may be regarded as a fad, it nevertheless demonstrates a growing societal longing for what the Buddha represents in an increasingly fragmented and frightening world. A small but growing number of temples, meditation halls and stupas represent a more substantial development of Buddhism in the west. While lay practice in the west places more emphasis on meditation then devotion, increasing relationship to the Buddha image appears to be a signifier for a growing aspiration to realize Buddha nature and bring its benefits to the greater whole.
The misunderstanding of Buddhist teachings by non Buddhists may be partly due to the misperception of Buddha as a God to worship. The destruction of the Bamiyan stone carvings of the Buddha in Afghanistan is a recent example of this. It is improbable that the fundamentalist subculture responsible for this destruction would necessarily understand the intent of megalithic imagery to represent sacred teachings and not a God. The challenge for Buddhists faced with the painful loss of these magnificent historical depictions is to understand and accept the inherent emptiness of both the figure and its destruction (Suzuki, 1970).
The image of the Buddha, like all perceived phenomena, challenges us to grapple with the interplay of absolute and relative perspectives. Paradoxically, as a sacred icon, it is specifically designed to elicit contemplation that cuts through categorization. It is our task to understand both its timeless meaning and the changing impact of the Buddha image on society and the individual. Symbols, like words, shift in their meaning and timely relevance. The ethical challenge is to promote a relationship to Buddhist iconography that embraces both reverence and non-attachment.
Artists and Buddhist practitioners have a responsibility in presenting the iconography of Buddhism to larger audiences. Offering these images at institutions of study and practice is an opportunity to further the education of Buddhist principles. Public audiences may benefit and learn from qualities of the Buddha image that are aesthetic, cultural, historic and inspirational. Subtle aspects of Buddhist teachings may be transmitted from the original intent of sculptors to imbue statues with qualities of the Buddha. For the artists of Southeast Asia these have been translated as tranquility, kindness and enlightment (Standen & Hoskin, 1998).
The power of the Buddha statue can be understood in highlighting the ceremonial practice of bringing a statue to life as practiced in various countries of Asia. The final task of the artist is to enliven the figure by painting the eyes. This ritualized practice demonstrates how the lineage is essentially revitalized each time it is characterized and celebrated symbolically. Learning to see through the eyes of each generation and the changing needs of society offers us the opportunity to practice as the Buddha and freshly adjust our approach to our audience.   This can mean emphasizing or deemphasizing the importance of the Buddha figure in our roles as educators and practitioners.
In conclusion, further investigation of the Buddha image as a religious, social and psychological phenomenon is recommended to deepen our understanding of the role of visual imagery in relaying Buddhist teachings. The intent of this paper is to make explicit what is implicitly experienced in the presence of Buddhist iconography. In my own experience, being in this presence in the temples of Southeast Asia, has significantly contributed to my insight and devotion. It is my hope that this brief exploration will spark a cross-cultural and inter-religious dialogue to further awareness and benefit sentient beings everywhere.

References

Armstrong, K. Buddha. NY: Penguin Books, 2001.
Campbell, J. The Mythic Image. New Jersey: Princeton University Press, 1974.
Dzogchen Ponlop, R. Mind beyond death. NY: Snow Lion Publications, 2006.
Easwaran, E. The Dhammapada. CA: Nilgiri Press, 1985.
Eck, Diana. Darshan: Seeing the Divine Image in India. NY: Columbia University Press, 1981.

Fronsdal, G. The Dhammapada: A New Translation of the Buddhist Classic with                Annotations. Boston: Shambhala Publications, Inc., 2006.

Jung, C.G., Editor. Man and his Symbols. Spain: J.G. Ferguson Publishing, 1964.
Standon, M. & Hoskin, J., Buddha in the Landscape: A Sacred Expression of Thailand.
CA: Pomegranate Communications, Inc., 1998.
Sogyal, R. Tibetan Book of Living and Dying. SF: HarperSanFrancisco, 1994.
Suzuki, S. Zen Mind, Beginner’s Mind. NY: Weatherhill, Inc., 1970.
U Ko Lay, The Pali Tipitaka. Burma: Vipassanna Research Institute, Burma Pitaka           Association, Chattha Sangayana Council, CD-Rom, 1998.

Naropa Graduation Speech 2008: Touching the Earth

Thu, 8 May 2008 11:25:11 -0600

Thank you for this tremendous honor.
I’ll begin with a little Zen story relevant to today’s momentous occasion.
-4 monks at a monastery are sitting in meditation.
-Overhead the wind is blowing through prayer flags.
-The youngest monk comes out of his silence and exclaims “flags flapping”.
-A 2nd monk, who has been there a few years, reflects out loud, “wind flapping.”
-The 3rd monk, who has been there for over 20 years announces, “minds flapping.”
-The 4th, a wizened old being, having been there most of his life, “mouths flapping.”
So forgive me if I flap my mouth today…

- I’d like to reflect on the power of touching the earth with both confidence and humility,
with our humor and humanity.
-Humor, humility and human have the same root word - humus…earth.
-Humor, humility and the human journey are all about letting go
and realizing we are all in this compost pile together.

-Rumi, an 13th century poet and mystic in the Sufi tradition of Islam says:

I would love to kiss you.
The price of kissing is your life.
Now my loving is running toward my life shouting,
What a bargain, let’s buy it.*

-Rumi, in this flash of genius invites us to collapse opposites.
-Here “my life” is like my ego, desperately trying to hang on to what it knows -
while “my love” connects to what is alive and of the earth.

-The many mothers and fathers in our audience know this well.
-Parents discover, the first time they plant a confirming kiss
on the cheek of their new born child,
their “life” as they knew it is compost.
-They’ve entered Zorba the Greek’s full catastrophe living -
not “doing my life” but learning to “do love”.

-This year several of my students in the Counseling track
expressed the wisdom of “composting” in papers reflecting on their internship
as therapists in the greater community.
One states, “…one of my biggest lessons was the reminder that I am simply a part of my clients’ journeys; I am not their answer, savior or rescuer.”

from another student…
“Looking back, I can honestly say that I applied the teachings learned at Naropa
and sat with my fear, my feelings of discomfort, of not knowing
and ultimately and naturally began to relax
and enjoy the relationships with the people sitting across from me.”

and distilling the words of another…
”…I am able now to give myself permission ‘not to have done it all perfectly’
and to welcome the learning that transpired from my own imperfections.
-I am noticing the voice inside my head now speaks to my learning and growth
in lieu of the voice that haunted me with criticism most of my life.
-In addition to learning the skills of therapy, Naropa has taught me how to be in the world in a way that brings me peace and connection.”

Her words echo a gesture of the Buddha.
-After sitting for seven days under a Bodhi tree, some 2500 years ago,
he touched the earth and reconciled the demons of self doubt,
perhaps his version of the inner critic.
-He was wrestling with his capacity to take what he had learned
and communicate it effectively in the world.
-He was at a threshold, much like our graduates find themselves today.
-In his meditation, the Buddha discovered a path to relieve suffering in the world.
-As the story goes, after his realization, he was challenged by “Maras”,
nightmarish demons questioning the authenticity of his experience.
-In response to the Mara’s attack the Buddha touched the earth
asking for witness to his enlightenment.

-In the mythology of Southeast Asia, when the Buddha touched the ground,
the earth goddess rose up and wrung an ocean of water from her hair.
-The earth shook and the demons vanished.
-When we humbly touch the earth as our witness,
we touch into the truth of our own being and discover confidence.
-We ground in the groundlessness of an ever shifting reality.
-We wring ourselves of illusion
and allow the demons of our imagination to dissolve in the ground of awareness.

-Another student expressed an aspect of this grounded awareness in a final paper summing up her work with the veterans of Vietnam, Kuwait and Iraq:
”I have seen changes in my clients from a year ago
and that is a really wonderful experience.
-Of course, I have changed right along with them
and I am amazed at how much I have grown.
-I hereby claim my right of passage as a therapist
and I know that I have chosen the right path for myself,
because my heart feels full.”

-One of my favorite quotes of H.H. the Dalai Lama is “emptiness is fullness”.
-The Buddhist scholars among our graduates have wrestled with the concept of emptiness, and to my best knowledge, so has every student
that has passed through the halls of Naropa University.
-It is a hallmark of contemplative education -
being more interested in emptying out then filling up.
-What is there to lose? Only fear and prejudice.
-Filling yourself with facts and technique is easy compared to emptying out.
-The task of realizing emptiness is the highest challenge -
yet lays the ground for the deepest knowing.
-Now is the time to appreciate whatever glimpse of emptiness you may have achieved.
-It is at the heart of true learning;
only through emptying out, can we receive the fullness of life.

-The ecstatic poet, Mary Oliver, touches into fullness in a poem called The Roses,
from a collection of writing that won her the Pulitzer Prize in 1984.
In The Roses she says….

One day in summer when everything
has already been more than enough
the wild beds start exploding along the berm of the sea;
day after day you sit near them;
day after day the honey keeps on coming
in the red cups and the bees like amber drops roll in the petals:
there is no end, believe me! to the inventions of summer,
to the happiness your body is willing to bear.**

-You, graduates, are the wild bed of roses exploding by the berm of the sea.
-You are the amber drop of a bee. You are the red petals.
-Graduation is a time of fullness. You have worked hard turning your compost heap.
Now is a time of blooming.
-Every graduate in our audience today has wrestled with “maras”
and each one of you is now planted in the fertile loam of a discipline.
-How can you trust this?
-Because you have touched your experience, you haven’t only read about it in a book, you have danced and sung and wrote and wept your tears into the earth.
-The flower that is blooming in you is the compassionate heart.

-Out of a sense of compassion, rooted in the direct experience of his body,
the Buddha stepped across a threshold and began his work of teaching.
-He was known to do it with humor, humility and humanity.
-Now is the time for you to step across a threshold. Go in confidence -
for the wisdom and compassion you have uncovered
is as real as the earth beneath your feet.
-May you touch it for the rest of the days of your life.
Many blessings on your journey.

*John Moyne & Coleman Barks, translators. 1984. Open Secret: Versions of Rumi. Putney, Vermont: Threshold Books.
**Mary Oliver, American Primitive. 1983. Boston: Little, Brown and Company.